Life on Rubadoo

This is from my first on-campus college course. English 101, taken concurrently at Oral Robert University. The assignment was to write a work of satire, and I guess I was writing what I considered to be a metaphorical representation of one of my possible futures. The paper is dated Nov. 5, 1998, and bears the following note from the professor:

A-

Very creative, in the C.S. Lewis and JRR Tolkien tradition (mode). A bit long and detailed for this assignment. Good satire, but needs more humor, wit, sarcasm in the form of exaggeration and stating the opposite of what you mean.

Life on Rubadoo

Dear Thomas,

You have always been a dear friend to me and so when you asked for the particulars of my experiences on Rubadoo I wanted to give you an overview of my time spent there. The body of this letter is composed mainly of excerpts from my journal. As I reflect on those days, it is always surprises me what strange ideas I had as a youth. Anyway, enough reflection, here is a brief account of life on Rubadoo:

During my days at sea, I was once shipwrecked upon an island by the name of Rubadoo. I learned many things and many of my ideas about life have been changed due to this experience. One of their customs that most fascinated me was the respect they had for the 'gift.' The closest thing I can relate this to is our society's idea of intelligence, though that is a very bad analogy.

From childhood, the natives of Rubadoo were reared to respect the temples of the gifted. I constantly heard youngsters discuss these temples and brag about the number of of times each had visited the local temple. Curious, I decided to visit one of these myself. I found that it was very much like a library, filled with many shelves of books written on every conceivable topic. I strolled through a few aisles until I found a section that interested me: The History of Rubadoo. Scanning the titles, I found a particular volume that sparked my curiosity: Halibub I, Emperor of Rubadoo. I lifted it gently off the shelf and turned to the first page. I had read only the first paragraph when a 'priest,' for I assume that is what he was, tapped me on the shoulder and informed me that no one was allowed to read these books at the present time. I asked him where the books I could read were located and he led me through a maze of shelves until we reached one small corner of the temple. There another priest stood in front of a group of desks that were occupied by several small children. Later, I learned that this was a class for children who had 'the gift.' I quietly found an empty desk and sat down. On the desktop was a copy of the text being studied, entitled: Mathematical Principles. Finding the page that the group was studying, I began to read. The first sentence read: ”Mathematical addition is the compilation of two or more real numbers into a single numerical resultant.” I watched the priest, he read the sentence to the class. No, actually he recited the sentence to the class. One of the natives later informed me that all priests had to memorize the texts before being ordained. I stood up and went looking for the first priest. When I found him, I asked how long it would be before a class would be taught using Halibub I, Emperor of Rubadoo? He led me again through the maze of shelves, back to the aisle devoted to the island's history. Finding the book I had inquired about, he opened it and glanced at the front cover. “I'm sorry,” he said “this book should have been retired five years ago.” And with that, he made his way to one of many strange machines that I had seen throughout the temple, and placed the book in a small depression in the machine. Immediately, the book was torn to pieces. I left the temple that day utterly astonished and slightly irked.

Well, after a few weeks I realized that if I was to keep enjoying the luxury of meals that I would have to find a job. I went to the Rubadoo employment agency and they told me that to work in Rubadoo a person had to take an employment proficiency test. A person's score from this test was used to decide what sort of work he was suited for. I agreed to take the test and found, to my surprise, that it was ridiculously easy. In fact, my scores were so uncommonly high that I was immediately appointed to become a personal aide to the current Emperor, Nilcot IV. Normally, a person would also have to have several certificates of training from a temple before he could gain a position like this, but since I was a foreigner, that requirement was waived. Also, my high scores on the proficiency test caused me to be labeled as one with 'the gift.'

When I arrived at the emperor's palace, I was met by a man who was to be my personal attendant. He had my belongings sent to my suite and then took me on a tour of the palace. The first place we visited was the Adviser's Hall. This looked somewhat like a temple, only there were no priests and no one ever read any of the books. I observed that most of the advisers spent their time making and playing with paper airplanes, a few made spit wads, and the rest slept. I was introduced to several of the advisers, including the Chief Adviser, Adviser Davenport. My attendant had previously informed me that Davenport had received his training at Elay temple, the most prestigious on the island. I asked Davenport how many books were at Elay, but he stared at me as if this was the strangest question he had ever been asked, then finally stammered “I don't know.” When my visit ended, Davenport invited me to attend the upcoming legislative session. I readily agreed, and then my attendant led me on the rest of his tour.

The day of the legislative session I was very excited, for though I was a personal aide to the emperor, the only thing provided for me to do was to follow my attendant around n his never-ending tours. When I arrived at the Adviser's Hall, I was given a warm greeting and a comfortable chair. Once all the advisers had arrived, the session began. The first item on the agenda was whether the paper provided for the adviser's planes should be yellow or green. The adviser's quickly agreed that a committee should be created to decide this matter, and then chose the members by saying “eenie-meanie-miny-moe....” The next item was how much money should be spent on temple maintenance and priest's salaries. Once again, a committee was created using the same method. Item after items was read from a list, and for each the advisers performed their little ritual and created a committee. The final item was a pet project of Davenport's simply called “The Box.” Immediately a vote was taken, and the decision was unanimous: “The Box” was to receive unlimited funding and work on it was to begin immediately.

A model was brought in of this box. I examined it and found that it was nothing more than a simple cardboard box with two slits in the front situated so that a long piece of paper could be pulled through them and across The Box's face. The adviser's were provided with rolls of paper, as well as crayons and other art supplies. The advisers set to work creating various scenes on their rolls of paper. From the conversations of the advisers I gathered that Boxes would be distributed to every home on the island. Periodically, families would be provided with copies of the advisers' paper strips. I knew that the people would gladly receive the Boxes, and eagerly watch the strips of paper as they were pulled across the front. Furthermore, because the creators of The Boxes all possessed 'the gift,' the people would believe whatever the adviser's chose to display.

When I finally met Emperor Nilcot IV, I was very surprised to find that he had so many helpers. Most of them were women, ans very beautiful, and dressed in such a way that made this very apparent. I was surprised that the Emperor was able to concentrate on his work with such distractions around, but being the emperor, he had 'the gift' in abundance, so I did not trouble myself over the matter. He was very glad to meet me, because I was a foreigner, and told me that if any of my fellow countrymen wanted to work at the palace, he would be happy to give them a job.

I spent the remainder of my days on Rubadoo at the palace, and eventually became an adviser. Ten years later, an American ship sailed in, and I went home. Now that I am in America, I find myself missing the company of all those people who had “the gift,” and especially Davenport and his Box. I no longer have an attendant to follow around, and I even miss the shredder machines. If only I could visit a temple again, this time I would appreciate what the priests said. And when I look back, it really was rather foolish of me to want to read a book that was retired. I also miss Nilcot, and all the wonderful advice he gave me. It really is a shame that America cannot have the same type of government and educational institutions as the people of Rubadoo had. Anyway, it would be very hard to have institutions like that here, if only because I am the only truly intelligent person in the country.

Sincerely,

Ryan Gladwater

So, looking back, it wasn't at all a bad paper for a sixteen year old to be writing, though I hope I've improved as a writer since then. Anyway, I think it got the message across. Despite the professor's note that I needed more exaggeration, I actually was already exaggerating my views to some extent. I honestly don't remember how much I believed that the existing systems of contemporary America actually resembled those of Rubadoo, but it was more a vague speculation. I've never been really involved in politics at a high level (nor would I want to be, my recent two-year stint as a precinct committee person will keep me satisfied for a long time to come). However, I did have one non-political experience which I think vaguely resembles the environment of the palace:

Summer 2003 I had an internship at Purdue University through a program sponsored by the National Science Foundation. All of the other student participants were also physics majors, and I'd say close to half of them were also National Merit Scholars (the professor supervising my project was also a National Merit Scholar). I was really looking forward to a summer filled with intellectual adventure and camaraderie, but that is hardly what I found. That is not to say that the other students were dumb - but what were their interests and activities? Well, the favorite books were mainly Harry Potter and other fantasy series. In fact, my roommate and a few others actually waited in line at the bookstore until midnight just so they could be the first to get their hands on the latest Harry Potter book being released. Often, during the day, the students would take extended lunch breaks to go bowling. Since it was summertime, the "supervising" professors weren't always around, or were gone to conferences all the time (the professor on my project was one of these). One of the girls I was talking to planned to get a doctorate in physics. She said her reasoning was that she wanted to have a job with good pay and light work hours so that she could pursue her real love: kayaking. Now, I'm not trying to say anything against Harry Potter (which I've never even read), or kayaking, or bowling - it's just that amongst this group of people I had really expected to find some excitement for physics and intellectual pursuits in general.

So, paper airplanes and crayons are still a bit of an exaggeration, but they get the same idea across. Anyway, the main point is still that I was worried that the flattery and comfort of success in the current system would turn me into something I never planned to be.